“Undone”

“When someone is passionate about something and doesn’t get it, spends a lifetime going mad chasing it.”

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Yellow, orange, red and brown- the many different colors “Autumn”  brings to the leaves in this tiny neighborhood park. She comes here often, on the way from work. Walks through the dry fallen leaves making the murmuring sound. In her mind, she walks through thousands of fragile crystal sheets breaking them and creating countless shimmering crystal bids.

It was a fall Saturday morning. She kneeled under a maple tree, closed her eyes and felt the music of the nature in her heart while her skin is kissed by the chilly fall breeze.

-“who are you dreaming of?”

Startled by the question, she opens her eyes. The park usually remains pretty empty at this time, so she was surprised. Standing in front of her was him- fairly tall, dark one with facial hair, smiling with a pair of curious eyes.

-“No one”

She said with an uneasy voice. He chuckled and shook his head-

-“So, your favorite hobby is to close your eyes and roam around New York parks? You know, it’s a dangerous city, right?”

-“I know, but I don’t care about danger. Anyways, I have to go. Bye.”

-“okay, take care.”

She rushed out of the park, shaken to her bones. thinking-

-“oh my God! He spoke to me!!”

The first time she saw him was in this park, 5 minutes walk from her home. He used to come, ran around the park and feed the ducks in the pond. He had a good structure with a calming smile on his face. Everyday, same time, same routine. It was a pleasure watching him feeding those annoying ducks. It seemed like he is the mama duck, being protective of the ducklings.

 She clearly remembers the first time he actually interacted with her. It was a horrible day for her. She had a big fight with Masum. So nasty that She had to run out of the house bare feet with a bleeding nose. It was over the last pay cheque where 8 hours of work was missing. She was sick and could not make it work and was hiding in the bedroom while he was drinking with his friend the entire day. She did not tell him about the sick day and now he was accusing her of cheating on him. With the shaky legs she came to this park. Chose the bench near the large shrub trying to hide the blood and tear. He came looked at her and ask if he could sit beside. She agreed hesitantly, trying to avoid any conversation. She guessed he understood, and didn’t say anything. Just sat quietly. After almost an hour when she fixed herself a little bit, she stood up, he suddenly held her fisted hand and pressed it a little bit…. and then left it. She left the place immediately.

There was no exchange of words but still there was something. She started to notice him everyday.

Every time she felt something is broken inside of her, she came to this very place at this time when he comes. Months passed by and she had the knowledge of his discipline, and kindness. He came 3 days a week. She knew the many pair of shoes and socks he had, how many shorts and pants. She noticed the way he let his facial hair grow up to a certain point and then trimmed it off.

Slowly she grew an unnatural obsession and built a character around him in her mind. She followed him around. She knew where he lived, went and worked. She knew his friends and acquaintances. She got familiarized with his daily routine and started to synchronize her own with that. And one day, without realizing she felt in love with him. She never spoke to him in real life but in her bubble world she started sharing her life with him. Considering him to be a complete person who understood her and enjoyed her company. He valued her efforts and loved her unconditionally. She was the queen of his life. She loved this bubble world so much that she had to see him everyday. That was pure passionate love.

He must also noticed her, as he started to smile whenever the two pairs of eyes locked each other. She also smiled but rarely. Rather she sat, or walked with a neutral face. She understood he noticed the beaten marks on her face often. Those days he did not smile, just looked and moved away.

She woke up 4.00 in the morning today. Feeling a sharp pain in her stomach. It was the time of the month. The time brings excruciating pain ever since her miscarriage due to the kick on her stomach. She moved the heavy hand of Masum  from on top of her sore belly and went to the washroom. After coming back, as she laid down again, his hands started to move around exploring her body. As soon as she refused, he got up from the bed, suddenly hit her with all his strength, the side of her mouth started to bleed. Despite of her struggles to control the tears, she started crying. He looked at her with an ungodly smile at the side of his face and uttered the words-

“You are such a cold fish. That’s why your man strayed.”

She felt her heart dropped into her sore stomach. Her body collapsed and she lost her consciousness.

She woke up in the morning, seeing him sleeping just beside. She remained in bed losing all strength physical and mental. Still without any movement other then her heart pumping blood. But, there was a storm in her brain. She couldn’t find any light in her future. Unseeable darkness covered all the hope and there was no reason for her to live another day in this world. She pulled her sore body from the bed and brought out the pretty little mahogany box from underneath her bed. It was the last bit of memory of her family from thousands of miles away. She opens the box very carefully, and brings out the 87 sleeping pills she has been collecting for over a year. It’s time, she decided. She took the little bottle of pills, put it in her purse. After taking a shower she decided to doll up after a long time. She put on her most beautiful dress and covered the scars with makeup. She stood in front of her sleeping husband. He opened his eyes and smiled. He said,

-“you look beautiful. Where are you going?”

-“ To the park.”

-“listen, I’m sorry, I guess I treated you badly. Do you want some money?”

-“no thank you.”

-“then give me a kiss.”

She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. She left for the park. Pretending like one of those upper west side super rich ladies who brunches with their girlfriends.

She came to the park, thinking one last time I want to see him, and as he just spoke to her for the first time her whole world was moved. She didn’t know how to process this overwhelming feeling. She is ready to die today, so why is she feeling such tickle in her stomach? She started crying.

She didn’t notice, but he was coming after her, tapped her shoulder from behind. She looked and saw him- he asked nervously-

“You looks very different today. Good different, actually very pretty. Do you want to have a cup of coffee with me? Please, if you are free.”

The tears on her her eyes was visible. As. She was about to open her mouth, he said-

“Even if you are busy, I insist on spending at least 10 minutes with you.”

She chuckled and nodded, yes.

They went to a coffee shop nearby the park. She was rigid as it is nearby home and anyone can see them.

-“I guess you are married, or at least you are in a committed relationship.”

-“yes.”

-“ I see you every time I come to the park and surprisingly many other places.”

-“yes.”

-“Do you speak any other English words?”

-“I do.”

-“Ha ha, so do I.”

She felt a little comfortable. He is not like her imagination, but he is pleasant. Surprisingly it doesn’t bother him that she is married. They started to spend a good amount of time together. She put off her plan to suicide. She started to open up and he started to care for her. He was a chef at a famous restaurant in Bronx. They went far away for their “happy” times. She loved his facial hair. They were soft like silk. She ran her fingers through them. She enjoyed the kisses they shared holding onto his strong jawline. They enjoyed the passionate making love. She started to see the lights again. She actually got a reason to wake up from her bed every morning. Even though, Masum still was abusive, and often left marks on her body, raped her at night and hit her in the morning. But those were all tolerable.

One thing that left her with a question mark. Every time she talked about leaving Masum, he said give it a little more time. He took care of her but never expressed any anger towards him. That left her with an odd feeling.

They never had any promises to each other. Not for ending up together or being in a relationship. Maybe he just wanted to enjoy her company for time being and she was too scared to ask the question. But she knew one day the spell would be broken and it will come to an end. But she didn’t realize it would come so soon. One day he said, he got offered a good job in Vancouver at a very good restaurant. He has to leave very soon.

Her entire world shattered. She knew it was the time. She didn’t ask him anything else. Rather, she asked if he can go with to her friend’s cabin for the weekend 2 hours drive from the city. He happily agreed, he was so excited that he did not even ask how she could come for the entire weekend?

They made passionate love, tired him felt asleep right away. She brought her pretty little bottle from her pretty little box. Swallowed all 87 of them and rest her head on his chest, smiling.

Her lifeless body looked satisfied and complete.

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Epilogue

After a year in a conversation between two men Masum and Anto (the love of her her life)-

Anto:

She never knew, I was about to ask her to move to San Francisco with me. I can never love again.

Masum:

She never knew, I promised to myself I would never hurt her again, and how much I loved her. I can never love again.