Me Being Artemis Fowl

Hello, yes, I know that’s like one of the most basic ways to start a sentence. Well, the thing is I ran out of ideas to start a sentence because I was busy using my brain cells to think of this writing. Well, as you read by the title this writing is going to be about me being Artemis Fowl. Now, before you start asking who is Artemis Fowl? Which you probably are because I bet about ninety-nine percent of people who are reading this writing probably don’t know Artemis Fowl. Which is really sad because everyone should know Artemis Fowl. So, who exactly is Artemis Fowl? Well, there are two things called Artemis Fowl. One is a human and the other is a book. Basically, there is a book called Artemis Fowl and the book is named by the main character who is Artemis Fowl, or Artemis Fowl the Second. Now, Artemis Fowl is a child prodigy. Like, his IQ is probably ten times more than Albert Einstein himself. Plus, Artemis Fowl is only twelve years old. Well, he was twelve years old in the first book. He is also very rich. Like, his family has been in the billionaire’s list for a long time. So, now you’re probably wondering why I want to be Artemis Fowl. Well, let me tell you.

To get things started, now before I tell you why I chose to be Artemis Fowl. Let me tell you that Artemis Fowl is an amazing book. It is so underrated. Anyone who hasn’t read Artemis Fowl, well what are you doing with your life. Like, right after you finish reading this go read Artemis Fowl. Artemis Fowl is a great book and whoever says it’s not, well you don’t know what you’re talking about. Artemis Fowl has great action, amazing characters, a good side story that is going on while the main story is continuing, and last but not least fairies. Yes, that’s right Artemis Fowl is a book that focuses on fairies. Now you’re probably thinking, “Oh, it has fairies. It’s probably not gonna be that realistic. The book is probably childish and blah blah blah.” Well, let me tell you, you are not correct at all. The book literally makes you think fairies exist. I mean it’s hard to believe, but if you do read Artemis Fowl then you’ll probably know what I’m talking about. I mean like the book literally makes you think the laws of science are fake. Artemis Fowl is indeed an amazing book. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the author of Artemis Fowl. Well the person who wrote Artemis Fowl is Eoin Colfer himself. He is a legendary author. He is probably one of the only authors that I consider as good as J.K. Rowling who wrote Harry Potter. He is amazing at writing. He is also an irish author which is pretty cool. Fun fact Artemis Fowl takes place in Ireland which is where Eoin Colfer is from. Now since you understand how good Artemis Fowl is which I hope you do understand. 

Let me tell you what I would do if I was Artemis Fowl. Now, in order for me to tell you what I’ll do if I was Artemis Fowl I have to tell you how the original story goes. Well I mean if you don’t want any spoilers from the Artemis Fowl book then read the book and come back. But, I do have to warn you that the book is two hundred seventy-seven pages long, so if the number of pages I just mentioned is too long for you then stay here with me. Anyway, just before we start, okay I know I’ve been keeping you guys waiting for a long time and you’re probably thinking right now, “how long will he take to just get to the point!” Well, for those people who want me to get to the point, I just have to say, wait one more sentence. Anyway, like I was saying, two hundred seventy-seven pages isn’t that much in my opinion. I know for some people that sounds like a really hard number of pages to read. But, for all of you reading wizards out there you should try to read Artemis Fowl because I think it is an amazing book for Sci-Fi and Fantasy lovers. Okay, it’s finally time for me to get to the point. See you in my next paragraph because I think this paragraph is already pretty full.

To add on, in the main story Artemis Fowl is this twelve year old irish kid who is so smart that he makes even the greatest medical minds quit their job. But, there is a dark side or a secret side of him that barely any people know about. Not even his parents, actually his mom because his father has been missing for years, but we’ll get to that later. So, now what is this secret side of Artemis Fowl you ask? Well, the truth is that Artemis Fowl has involved himself into many criminal activities. Not the criminal activities you’ll regularly think of, no something much more intricate. Artemis Fowl is looking for something very important. What is this thing? Well, it is simply nothing more than just a book. But, it’s not just a regular book. 

Oh no, it is something much more compelling. It could possibly be the secret to expose the creatures called fairies. Now, you probably think you know what’s going to happen next. Well, let me tell you, you don’t. From this point on, I will just explain the rest of the story in a nutshell because it will literally take me an hour to explain the whole story. Oh yeah before that let me tell you that Artemis Fowl has a bodyguard that is almost seven feet tall. His name is Domovoi Butler. Artemis Fowl calls him Butler because he doesn’t know his first name. Now, Butler is not only massive but plus he is the third strongest person in the whole entire world. Also, he has been trained in Martial Arts too. So yeah, not that many people want to mess with Butler. Alright back to the story. Artemis gets the book by tricking a drunk fairy. There is a fairy police officer named Holly Short. She is in the LEPrecon. She saves some people from a troll. She has a commander named Root. She needs her magical powers back and in order to do that she needs to do the ritual. Holly gets kidnapped by Artemis Fowl when doing the ritual. Artemis Fowl asks the LEP for gold in return for Holly Short. Then, there is this whole cat and mouse chase. 

The LEP gives Artemis Fowl the gold in return for Holly. Then, they basically explode Fowl Manor with a bomb called the bio bomb, which is Artemis Fowl’s home. The bio bomb doesn’t explode buildings, but it explodes any living creatures that are in the building. Thinking they have killed Artemis Fowl they enter Fowl Manor, but they find out that Artemis Fowl is alive. Their book has a rule that if a human manages to take away gold from the People a.k.a the fairies they can’t injure that human. So, they couldn’t hurt Artemis Fowl anymore. Basically, Artemis Fowl beat the People and he got away with the gold. The end. So yeah, that’s me explaining Artemis Fowl in a nutshell. Hopefully you enjoyed me explaining Artemis Fowl in a nutshell. But, wait this is not the end. You still haven’t read what I’ll do if I was Artemis Fowl. Alright, let me get to that in the next paragraph.

To finish off, alright the first thing I’ll do if I was Artemis Fowl is obviously get the book from the drunk fairy. I won’t change anything there. Next, I will probably try to analyze the book and figure out how to translate it. So far, I am going to do the same thing. Now after I finish getting the book translated into English I will have Butler pay a visit to mister Xuan who I forgot to mention took me or Artemis Fowl to the drunk fairy. Of course I won’t make Butler kill him, but you know just give him a warning not to open his mouth. Now, what will be the next step? I will have to communicate with the government to help me with my plan. Then, I will have to somehow track down where the fairies live. In order for me to do that I have to go back to the drunk fairy and ask her where the other fairies live. Obviously she won’t tell me. So, the only way to make her talk will be to do a trade with her. Now, what will this trade be? 

Well, it obviously has to be something irresistible. The trade is going to be that she can live aboveground in a luxurious house. Now, let me tell you, it is every fairy’s dream to live aboveground, and plus having the chance to live in a luxurious house aboveground, is probably going to be an irresistible trade for any fairy. So, I guarantee she will accept my offer. Now, since I know where the fairies live, which is a place called Haven city if you’re wondering. I have to figure out how to get there. Since, it is underground and really deep underground I obviously need help to get there. But before that I need to prove to the world that fairies exist. Obviously no one is going to believe a twelve year old kid saying fairies exist, so I have to get proof. For that, I will ask the drunk fairy one last favor. The favor is going to be to show the humans that she exists. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the drunk fairy is a female fairy. Now, she will probably do it because I gave her an offer that is irresistible. Now, my next problem is how do I get the world’s most powerful people to show up. I mean like by the world’s most powerful people I meant the world’s most wealthiest people. 

I have to get the army to show up. The general to show up. Maybe even the presidents of different countries should show up. Basically, a lot of important people. I also may need a famous environmentalist. Now, how do I get them here? I’m just a regular twelve year old kid to the rest of the world. But they’re wrong about one thing. I’m just a regular twelve year old kid with a bodyguard named Butler. This is the part where Butler comes in. Let me give you some information on Butler. Butler knows people that could literally play around with the world like a basketball. Yeah that’s right, Butler knows detectives to billionaires. So, I’ll tell him to contact a really powerful person that could convince even presidents to have a look at what this irish twelve year old boy is saying. After that, everything goes according to plan. The drunk fairy shows up. The government gets shocked. They believe me and we join forces. Now it’s finally time to get underground and meet the fairies. We are obviously going to use a few explosives. The drunk fairy will show us where Haven city is. It will probably take us at least a few months. But, after we are done we will communicate with the fairies. I will obviously do all the talking because I have the most knowledge about them. I will tell them that we mean no harm and that we come in peace. 

Now after I explain to them that we won’t attack them, I have to get down to business. This is the part that I have been waiting for. I will give them an offer. What is this offer? Well, I will tell them that they will be able to live aboveground, and in return they have to share their fairy technology with us humans. If you didn’t know fairy technology is probably one hundred years more advanced than human technology. They will probably accept the offer because like I said, it is every fairy’s dream to live aboveground. So, the humans will get their fairy technology and the fairies will be able to live aboveground. It’s a win for everyone. So, in like forever the fairies and humans will be able to live in peace with each other. It’s a happy ending. You didn’t expect that did you? 

You thought I was going to destroy the fairies or something right? Did you think that I would just steal their fairy technology and say that I invented them? Like, I would take all the credit for their hard work? Well, of course I won’t. It’s not like I’m a bad human or something. Anyway, I probably would get something like a reward for having humans and fairies living together again, but that’s not anything close to what I just said. Anyway, this is what I’ll do if I was Artemis Fowl.

That was long, wasn’t it? Well, that was quite an interesting writing. I never actually wrote anything that made me become the main character of a different book. It was quite an interesting experience for me, and I think this writing will affect my future writings. I bet you are just waiting for the end of this writing. Did you get any back pain? If you did, well let me tell you, I probably got a back pain that is ten times worse than yours, while typing this. Look, I literally spend three hours typing this writing. I am so tired right now. Plus, it’s like eight thirty where I live. So, I also need to go to sleep. Anyway, being Artemis Fowl was an interesting experience to say the least. Okay, bye. I’m just going to go to sleep. See you in my next writing. Bye for the last time.